never again

I had a dream last night that I gave up my future for you.

I watched you play hockey and all I kept thinking was "I gave up theatre school in Toronto for this."

As I sit here typing this, I'm ashamed that my mind would subconsciously do this.

easy on the inside

Now is all that matters. I told myself this the moment I left you.

Looking at my life from the outside, I look like a loser. I'm having trouble finding a job, I live with my mom and I broke up with my boyfriend very recently.

In reality, I'm waiting to start work, I'm going to spend as much time as I can with my mom before I leave and I saved my own life by leaving my ex.

Every time I find myself getting lost in my own thoughts, I blog. I want a place to put all of these words so I don't bottle them up and burst. I want to cry, I do, but I would rather not. I'm going to be strong, not by choice, but because it's in my blood.

My mom is the strongest woman I know, she raised four children all on her own and did the most magnificent job with the resources she was given. We all broke free from the stereotype of a broken, poor, uneducated aboriginal family.

My grandmother was very passionate and didn't let anything get away from her. She pursued. She was married at 17 to my grandfather and I remember asking her why she chose to do so at such a young age and she said "I didn't want anyone to steal him away from me.". She took what she wanted and guided our whole family into such a loving place.

This is where I come in and I'm supposed to live up to these women.

I know I won't do it in the ways that they did, but I know I'm going to make my own children proud.