Transition time, again

It's been nearly a year since I've posted and I apologize to myself for forgetting how I wanted to keep this going. I am spending my summer in Toronto this year and it feels strange, because I've finally moved away from home. I've stayed here for the entire school year and even decided to stay the extra free time, which means  I actually have a life here. I have a summer job with a production company, another opportunity apprentice directing a play in the summerworks festival, I will be moving into my own apartment in July and a boyfriend I plan on spending the rest of my life with.

Someone's old friend, someone's lover, someone's sister, someone's daughter.

With all of that being said, it sounds like I have everything figured out, but truth is I've been going kind of insane. All of this time away from my family has been getting to me, I feel stressed out and lonely most of the time. At a young age, I learned that family is the most important thing, especially to utilize all the time you have together, but living so far away makes that difficult and there lies my conflict. I haven't been home since Christmas break and I don't get another visit until the 19th of August, where I officially have two weeks off from what I call my double life. I haven't exactly figured out how to keep both sides of myself happy, because I know this career is what I want, I just wish I could have all of this in Winnipeg.

After reading all of my past entries, it's very clear I am at a different part in my life which  I am so thankful for. I don't know where all the strength came from to drive these changes, but that's probably what my mom has been talking about when she says I'm built from the same backbone that helped her lug her four children to daycare in the middle of January. Now, I realize it's not the same because I don't have any children but I can't decide if that makes it harder or not. Being that I actually want children but I'm smart enough to know to wait until I'm ready.

I don't have any answers, but I think the more questions takes the cake.

soon enough is here

I didn't get here as easily as it looks with that gap down there.
I've been working at a summer camp for over a month now and it's great. It's tough and it's a lot of work, but me and my co-workers are like a family and work around here is done more efficiently with twelve people. I've met so many people here and learned so many new things.
This, is where I've started my life over. It's everything I wanted and needed, all in one. It's distracted me from my past and led me to my future. I've been saving money to fly myself to Toronto and also been spending time with my family on the weekends.
I take a minute to stop and appreciate everything and I immediately get a smile on my face.
:) there it is.

Someday, I'll be living in a big old city.

It's less than a month to my departure. I'm happy and excited.

here we go

Everything feels insanely real right now.

I received my acceptance letter to theatre school AND my sponsorship.

This means, I have money to go to school and actually pursue my dreams. I've never been so happy in my life and so stable. This is something that you could never take away from me, because I did it on my own. Without you.

I can do this.

I won't fall.

never again

I had a dream last night that I gave up my future for you.

I watched you play hockey and all I kept thinking was "I gave up theatre school in Toronto for this."

As I sit here typing this, I'm ashamed that my mind would subconsciously do this.

easy on the inside

Now is all that matters. I told myself this the moment I left you.

Looking at my life from the outside, I look like a loser. I'm having trouble finding a job, I live with my mom and I broke up with my boyfriend very recently.

In reality, I'm waiting to start work, I'm going to spend as much time as I can with my mom before I leave and I saved my own life by leaving my ex.

Every time I find myself getting lost in my own thoughts, I blog. I want a place to put all of these words so I don't bottle them up and burst. I want to cry, I do, but I would rather not. I'm going to be strong, not by choice, but because it's in my blood.

My mom is the strongest woman I know, she raised four children all on her own and did the most magnificent job with the resources she was given. We all broke free from the stereotype of a broken, poor, uneducated aboriginal family.

My grandmother was very passionate and didn't let anything get away from her. She pursued. She was married at 17 to my grandfather and I remember asking her why she chose to do so at such a young age and she said "I didn't want anyone to steal him away from me.". She took what she wanted and guided our whole family into such a loving place.

This is where I come in and I'm supposed to live up to these women.

I know I won't do it in the ways that they did, but I know I'm going to make my own children proud.

on repeat

I keep imagining myself in some sort of healed state, but I don't think that's the case. If so, it's going to take a long while. I keep thinking that I'm holding myself back by thinking about you, but who knows if that's a part of getting over it. I constantly have to remind myself how you weren't doing anything with your life and how I'm forwarding myself by not being with you. It sounds ridiculous but it's a lot to let go of, it was real. I didn't disappear for five years and wake up here, I did this to myself. I let go of a lot of opportunities because of my attachment to you. I regret doing so and yet I find myself always wondering where we would have been in the future. We weren't the perfect match for each other. Who even knows if that's a real thing.

Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger.

I get further from you and that was something I always imagined, even when we were together. Things are going to change, drastically. I don't need you anymore.

lakeside

I ran away.

Not to some far off land where dreams come true, but to a place where reality hits you in the worst way. I went to a reservation, a place where us Aboriginals have a place to be free. You would think this would be wondrous because we are such beautiful people, but when you get us all in one place with barely any rules in place; it's chaos. There is garbage laying all around, houses tagged with names of nobody's, children running without their parents attention, and even stray dogs trying to snatch your meal away. It's very remote, so it's almost impossible to leave unless you know someone with a vehicle.

I went to a place like this because I wanted to be reminded of where I came from, yes; people live in places like this. Don't be fooled by everything I've said because they are beautiful. The air smells incredibly fresh because it's been flowing through miles and miles of trees, the sun always shines it's brightest without skyscrapers in his way, and the earth is blooming at full pace.

We'll fill the metro skies with country air and when you close your tired eyes, I'll meet you there.

I went there because it clears my head, gives me a place to put all my thoughts and sort them out. Also, as I said before, it reminds me of a place I used to be in my life, when everything isn't where it should be.

I was a young woman in love, putting all my dreams on hold.

That's when I feel the need to go and get on with my life.