soon enough is here

I didn't get here as easily as it looks with that gap down there.
I've been working at a summer camp for over a month now and it's great. It's tough and it's a lot of work, but me and my co-workers are like a family and work around here is done more efficiently with twelve people. I've met so many people here and learned so many new things.
This, is where I've started my life over. It's everything I wanted and needed, all in one. It's distracted me from my past and led me to my future. I've been saving money to fly myself to Toronto and also been spending time with my family on the weekends.
I take a minute to stop and appreciate everything and I immediately get a smile on my face.
:) there it is.

Someday, I'll be living in a big old city.

It's less than a month to my departure. I'm happy and excited.

here we go

Everything feels insanely real right now.

I received my acceptance letter to theatre school AND my sponsorship.

This means, I have money to go to school and actually pursue my dreams. I've never been so happy in my life and so stable. This is something that you could never take away from me, because I did it on my own. Without you.

I can do this.

I won't fall.

never again

I had a dream last night that I gave up my future for you.

I watched you play hockey and all I kept thinking was "I gave up theatre school in Toronto for this."

As I sit here typing this, I'm ashamed that my mind would subconsciously do this.

easy on the inside

Now is all that matters. I told myself this the moment I left you.

Looking at my life from the outside, I look like a loser. I'm having trouble finding a job, I live with my mom and I broke up with my boyfriend very recently.

In reality, I'm waiting to start work, I'm going to spend as much time as I can with my mom before I leave and I saved my own life by leaving my ex.

Every time I find myself getting lost in my own thoughts, I blog. I want a place to put all of these words so I don't bottle them up and burst. I want to cry, I do, but I would rather not. I'm going to be strong, not by choice, but because it's in my blood.

My mom is the strongest woman I know, she raised four children all on her own and did the most magnificent job with the resources she was given. We all broke free from the stereotype of a broken, poor, uneducated aboriginal family.

My grandmother was very passionate and didn't let anything get away from her. She pursued. She was married at 17 to my grandfather and I remember asking her why she chose to do so at such a young age and she said "I didn't want anyone to steal him away from me.". She took what she wanted and guided our whole family into such a loving place.

This is where I come in and I'm supposed to live up to these women.

I know I won't do it in the ways that they did, but I know I'm going to make my own children proud.

on repeat

I keep imagining myself in some sort of healed state, but I don't think that's the case. If so, it's going to take a long while. I keep thinking that I'm holding myself back by thinking about you, but who knows if that's a part of getting over it. I constantly have to remind myself how you weren't doing anything with your life and how I'm forwarding myself by not being with you. It sounds ridiculous but it's a lot to let go of, it was real. I didn't disappear for five years and wake up here, I did this to myself. I let go of a lot of opportunities because of my attachment to you. I regret doing so and yet I find myself always wondering where we would have been in the future. We weren't the perfect match for each other. Who even knows if that's a real thing.

Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger.

I get further from you and that was something I always imagined, even when we were together. Things are going to change, drastically. I don't need you anymore.

lakeside

I ran away.

Not to some far off land where dreams come true, but to a place where reality hits you in the worst way. I went to a reservation, a place where us Aboriginals have a place to be free. You would think this would be wondrous because we are such beautiful people, but when you get us all in one place with barely any rules in place; it's chaos. There is garbage laying all around, houses tagged with names of nobody's, children running without their parents attention, and even stray dogs trying to snatch your meal away. It's very remote, so it's almost impossible to leave unless you know someone with a vehicle.

I went to a place like this because I wanted to be reminded of where I came from, yes; people live in places like this. Don't be fooled by everything I've said because they are beautiful. The air smells incredibly fresh because it's been flowing through miles and miles of trees, the sun always shines it's brightest without skyscrapers in his way, and the earth is blooming at full pace.

We'll fill the metro skies with country air and when you close your tired eyes, I'll meet you there.

I went there because it clears my head, gives me a place to put all my thoughts and sort them out. Also, as I said before, it reminds me of a place I used to be in my life, when everything isn't where it should be.

I was a young woman in love, putting all my dreams on hold.

That's when I feel the need to go and get on with my life.

Dondalaroo

I miss your smile, I miss your face. You mean the world to me still and you've been gone for 7 years. It feels like only yesterday you were hugging me goodbye and saying that we'll see each other soon. You replaced my dad in my childhood memories and even though people say that I'm missing something, I wouldn't change it for the world.

An angel got his wings and we'll hold our heads up knowing that he's fine. We'd all be lucky to have a love like that in a lifetime.

You were such a big part of my life and I don't speak about you often, I miss you. I feel like if I tell people about you and the relationship we had, I'm admitting everything there is to know about me.

I dream about you sometimes. I dream that you're still here with me and we can laugh about how silly my life is now. It's all seems so small when I imagine what it would be like with you here.

You taught me how to drive, how to fish, how to pick strawberries, how to love my family, how to cook. You taught me how to be a child, but also how to be a young woman. If it were up to me, I would still spend every day with you.

You are my uncle. You are my best friend.

Choosday

My feet hurt, I'm very exhausted. I did a lot of different things today and I was very productive. I'm proud of myself when I have days like this because I feel accomplished. If you add all these days together, it probably adds up to something amazing. I'll know the sum in about 20 years.

She's gotta do what she's gotta do and I've gotta like it or not.

I'm pretty sure that when I'm older, I'll appreciate the attitude I have now. I see kids who are so ungrateful and oblivious to all the good that goes on around them. I see it and I appreciate it. I want to say so many thank you's.

todays and tomorrows

I love to sing. I'm know I'm not very good and most people would rather drown out my voice by turning up the radio, but it feels so free. It's almost the equivalent to taking a late night walk and clearing your head. I used to walk a lot and just absorb the earth and everything that was going on around me. It was all very nice, but it brought me to think too much.

Since you, I haven't been thinking and it's been more of an 'in the moment' kinda deal. I have never felt this free and in control of my life. Everything and anything is about me and the way I feel. It's always the eleventh hour in my life now and it's brought me to make a lot of quick decisions. Good ones though.

Find a way to smile and never let it get away.

Acting makes me happy. It's this insane feeling right before you go on stage, it's indescribable. It's not like a date, because you know exactly what you're supposed to do. You have one shot to make the audience believe what is happeneing and that it's real. It is real, you get so in the moment, that you truly believe that you are your character. It's like being a kid all over again and playing make-believe. It's unlike anything I've ever done in my life.

I think I have a real shot at this, despite what people have been telling me. It's very hands on and requires a lot of studying, but I'm ready for all of that.

I have one shot for this dream, this fall. I believe in myself.

there and before

I can still remember why I loved you. Why you made me smile and the way you would hold me. Even though none of this is important and I can never see you again, I find it crossing my mind. I thought that once I was away from you, this would all just disappear and it did, for a while.

I was excited to start a new life, do all the things myself that we said we would do together. I signed up for a lot, got accepted to the school I had been dreaming about. This all takes time, so now I'm waiting for the day I can leave.

I'm about to see a million things I thought I'd never see before and I, I'm about to do all the things I dreamed of and I don't even miss you at all.

That's a lie, I probably shouldn't want to go back and I feel like I'm cheating myself for even thinking about it. My life is at a stand still and this is where I don't want to be left behind.

I'm going to make memories here, new ones where I don't have to worry about you, who you're with or when we're going to see each other again. You said goodbye for the both of us.

I don't have you

I started my life over. I don't know how I let it get so bad, I didn't see the signs because love had blurred my vision. I know now that walking away would have been the best thing to do from the start, 5 years ago. I lost all that time which I could have spent on my future. I don't regret it, I'm just hoping that other people can learn simply from listening and not from experience.

Why are we so in denial when we know we're not happy here?

I wasn't acting like myself. I could feel it deep down, but I told myself that I was happy because I knew that I should be. My friends could see it in me, that fire that was always there, was fading: My personality.

I wasn't aware that it would take something so drastic to get it back. I didn't even know you could lose it.

That slap in the face, was figurative as well as literal. It showed me where I was going and where I should never be. I turned around and now I'm headed left, which is right.

I'm all that's left, you knew me years ago or think you know me now.

I don't have any children, I don't have a boyfriend, I don't have a reason to be in my hometown anymore, I don't even have a job. I have no reason to stay in one place or even plan for the next ten years. I can move, switch, change, and do anything I desire. I'm where I should be at nineteen years old.